Sibling Rivalry

By Tina Todorovich Toler

In a home with more than one child, the shriek of “that’s not fair” is often heard echoing through the halls. As parents, we just want a little bit of piece and quiet and for our children to get along. It doesn’t seem too much to ask. They are, after all, siblings. We want them to be best friends.

When my daughter became a big sister for the first time, and both times following, I had grand dreams of my four children sitting around in their bedroom sharing secrets, laughing, and yes, even talking about me. I knew they needed a comrade to share their feelings with; someone who had been there and experienced the same issues with me. I envisioned a connection between them that was beyond comparison. I suppose I wanted what I never had.

That dream quickly turned into my nightmare. Yes, they do have occasional bonding moments and times when they all get together, laughing and having a great time. But, those moments seldom last long. I cherish them to the fullest when they arrive because I know in a matter of minutes, the moment will be only a wonderful memory in my mind and the peace will be interrupted up with a sharp scream.

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Television as a Babysitter is Not Always Bad

By Tina Todorovich Toler

Before I had children, I always knew I would never use the television as a babysitter. My children were going to be raised by me and I would not lower my standards and stick my child in front of a television so I could have a few moments of time. This was an utterly non-negotiable.

When I mentioned my thoughts to my friends who had children, they looked at me with disbelief. They did not understand how strong my conviction on this subject was. Maybe they had times they felt they needed the time, but I knew I would be different. Popping a child down in front of a children’s show, without sitting with them and discussing it, was along the lines of abuse as far as I was concerned.

My first year or so, I followed this rule. My oldest daughter was a joy and was very easy to care for. She stayed out of trouble, well mostly, and I loved spending the time with her. I did not work so I had time to do my work with her walking behind me chattering away. All was well.

Then, when she was eighteen months, I found myself pregnant with my second child. The pregnancy was nothing like my first. I stayed sick constantly and could not get enough sleep. The first months were torture for me. Emily was awake early, and although she took regular naps, it wasn’t enough rest for me.

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The New Beginnings of a Mother of Four

As the New Year approaches, I am reminded of numerous resolutions made over the years and realized I typically fail to follow through. I now must make a difficult choice – do I make a resolution this year or do I assume I will not follow through on it and not bother making one?

Photographer: Daniel St.Pierre

Thinking back over what my resolutions are, I came to the conclusion that they are selfish and far-fetched. I may resolve to drink less coffee, but I know in my heart I will not do it. There is something satisfying about sipping coffee while writing and no matter how much healthier it would be to give it up, I am not going to set myself up for another failed resolution.

So, do I avoid a resolution all together? I don’t think that is wise either. A new year is a new beginning. It is a fresh start and a great time to take stock in my life and improve myself. This year, my resolutions will not be far-fetched, will not set me up for failure and will not be selfish.

As a parent, I realize the best way to begin the new year is by analyzing my parenting skills and consider the best ways to enjoy my moments with my children.

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All Through the House not a Creature Was Stirring…

Yeah, right! Children make Christmas. Seeing their excited little faces leaves me feeling, well, giddy. They don’t care that the economy isn’t what it used to be or that lives are hectic. All they see is the pretty decorations and the presents.

Songs and Christmas cards give the impression of “silent nights” and “Peace on earth”. The little towns depicted are quaint and quiet. I think all parents long for those peaceful, relaxing moments we see, but kids, although wonderful blessings, do not allow for serene Christmases.

Our presents are sitting out, all wrapped with love. They once were arranged in a delightful display of bright colors; now they are all heaped up in one pile. It looks as if Santa’s elves came in and played havoc, but I know the true culprit isn’t an elf, it is my son!
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Tempter Tantrum Time

Sitting at my desk reading my oldest daughter’s baby book for inspiration, I came across an entry that made me laugh. It says, “January 10, 1994, first temper tantrum. Lays in floor, rolls and scoots while screaming very loudly – we had to laugh. It’s very cute. I’m sure the cuteness of it won’t last.” Well, at least I knew the cuteness wouldn’t last.

Have you ever noticed how “cute” it is to see a baby across the room with her nose all crinkled and cheeks red while she is screaming loudly? Maybe it’s just me, but I think crying babies have the most adorable look. I cherish a picture of Emily that my dad took sixteen years ago. She is screaming with all she has, yet I remember that moment as if it were yesterday. It wasn’t sweet and cute at the time, but nerve wrecking torture. I still find myself smiling when a baby or small child is in the throws of a tantrum at the store. I am sure part of it is my thinking “Wow, I am glad I don’t have to go through that anymore.”
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“There are Bad Moments, but No Bad Kids”

When my son was a toddler, I was relieved when the “Terrible Two’s” ended. I knew peaceful, easy times were headed my way, but life laughed in my face. The Terrible Two’s were replaced with “Testing Threes”, “Frightful Fours”, etc. We had many wonderful moments, but a great deal of the time was spent dealing with tantrums and mood swings.

Now that he is nine, we have hit a new level. Swinging from his precious, giggly, loveable side to his “exorcist” moments is a never ending cycle.

As he yells at the top of his lungs, kicking whatever is in his path, my first instinct is to scream at him. Unfortunately, I have moments when this is how I handle his outbursts. I am trying, however, to handle his moments differently, since the yelling certainly isn’t working.
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Grandparents - A Reason to Let Go

When I was young, my grandparents lived right next door, and my friends’ grandparents were all within a fifteen to thirty minute drive from them. Visiting them in summer meant jumping in your car and driving five to thirty miles, then back later that day.

Today, things have changed. Many grandparents live in different states. Visiting now requires longer stays and extended travel time. No longer do my children walk down the path to their grandparents; they ride in a car for eight long hours. No longer do I cherish the few hours my kids are visiting but dread the two to four weeks they are away. Children need their grandparents and grandparents, in return, need their grandchildren. Grandparents have so much to teach and so much love to give, it is important to keep that relationship growing, and it is up to us, the parents, to do our part.

One way to keep the children close to their grandparents is of course by telephone. We have unlimited long distance, so the kids know they may call their father or grandparents anytime they wish and may talk as long as they want. This helps keep grandparents up to date on their grandchild’s lives.
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A “Step” in the Right Direction

This weekend a new addition to my extended family was added when their father remarried. I would be lying if I said our own wedding fifteen years ago didn’t cross my mind, but I thought of it with delight instead of unhappiness. It was the beginning of a wonderful family and I can’t regret that.

I have listened as my friends discuss our divorce as “breaking apart our family” and I have been guilty of thinking the same disastrous thoughts from time to time; however, over the course of the last couple years, I view our divorce in a much different light.
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