Dating and Relationships : Women’s Online Magazine Los Angeles

Find love outside of your type: an interview with dating coach Andrea Syrtash

Dating coach Andrea Syrtash knows a few things about finding love. In her new book He’s Just Not Your Type (And That’s a Good Thing), she aims to help women change their way of thinking when it comes to meeting Mr. Right.

Syrtash maintains that when people date outside of their prescribed “types”, they open their hearts to much more opportunity and find love in unexpected ways. I asked her about breaking old habits, taking risks, and marrying her own “non-type”.

1. So, what exactly is a “non-type”? Is this a form of settling?

A nontype is a person you fall for who is nothing like the kind of person you thought you’d want to marry! If your type is usually an extrovert, your nontype is an introvert. If you swore you’d never date a guy long-distance, your nontype is the one who lives outside your state. Basically, an NT looks different from your past boyfriends….and in my opinion, this is why it works!

By no means am I encouraging women to settle. In fact, I dedicated my book to women who should never feel they have to settle in order to settle down. I actually think we’re settling when we simply follow a straight superficial checklist and don’t demand a deeper connection. I don’t think any of us should pair off with someone who isn’t a good lover, partner, companion and friend. Single women deserve to be supported, cherished and excited to be with the person they choose as a partner. Don’t settle for less!

2. You maintain that a lot of women don’t date “consciously”. Describe what you mean.

I think that in dating, and in life for that matter, many of us get into patterns and do things because we always do them. Chances are that friendships, jobs and other aspects of our lives have transformed and evolved since high school and college – but for some reason, many women are still hanging on to the ‘type’ of guy they described eons ago.

My wish is that singles don’t end up victimized by their dating choices (i.e – “I always date cheaters”). Sometimes we forget that we have a choice and once we’re more conscious of our needs and wants, we can make better decisions. In the book, I offer some exercises for the reader to bring consciousness around what – and who – she is looking for.

3. I thought it was interesting when you mentioned how many women evolve in their careers and interests as they grow older, but their preferences in men stay the same. What can women do to make their choices in men evolve along with them?

I’ve devised some checklists in the book to help bring clarity around who their ‘type’ is today. For instance, I included an exercise on identifying core values since I think sharing values is the basis for a good match. Our values can also evolve over time.

I also ask the reader write out 5 ‘must haves’ and 5 ‘can’t stands’. I’ve limited the list of qualities to five on each side, so none of us walk around with a huge laundry list of dealbreakers (if we do, we’re not well positioned for success!). When you’re making the list, know the difference between wants/needs and preferences. I confine the list to only a few qualities so you can get laser-focused on the kind of person that you want in your life at this point in time. If you filled out the chart 10 years ago, you may have said ‘I must have a guy who can dance’ and now you may replace it with something more substantial like “I must have a guy who has good family values’. Know what you are looking for!

Finally, I’ve edited the expression from ‘It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” to “It’s better to have loved and *learned than to never have loved at all”. What’s the point of experiencing heartbreak if you don’t walk away with lessons and decide who you want to be with and how you want to be in a future relationship?

4. Towards the end of the book, you talk about the risk-taking and how important it is to living a happy life as well as meeting your significant other. Dating entails a lot of rejection, which makes us averse to risk-taking. What steps would you advise in taking more risks in our dating lives?

One of my favorite quotes about taking risks is “Our lives improve only when we take chances – and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves” (Walter Anderson)

You are not living to your best potential if you play small and don’t let anybody see you for fear of rejection. Rejection is a normal part of dating. In fact, expect to be rejected and to do some rejecting. Every date will be ‘unsuccessful’ before you meet the person you want to marry so you’re not supposed to hit it off with everyone.

One of my mantras about taking risks is “I’m scared AND I’ll do it any way”.

Andrea will be in L.A. this Thursday May 13th at Book Soup in Hollywood.

About the Author:
Kelly is a writer and former speed dating host living in Los Angeles. You can visit her blog “Notes from the Dating Trenches”, at www.kellyseal.com. You can also read her tweets at www.twitter.com/kellyseal.

Permission to reprint is granted by the author. All reprints must state, “Reprinted with permission by Kelly Seal from www.kellyseal.com. Originally published in www.WomensOnlineMagazineLosAngeles.com, May 2010.

DISCLAIMER: The information and opinions reflected in this article are solely those of the author and do not reflect on the publisher, editor, or editorial staff of Women’s Online Magazine. This article has been written and reviewed by the author. Any errors should be brought to the attention of the author.

Should you go green in your dating life too?

Environmentally conscious daters are placing more importance on eco-compatibility with potential partners, according to a recent article in USA Today. And according to The New York Times, therapists are seeing a rise in environmental-related arguments among couples. Who knew that a relationship could go south if a partner buys farm-raised instead of wild Alaskan salmon?

This might be an extreme example, but the increasing importance people place on environmental conservation is all around us. More hybrid cars are on the road. Recycling bins are common at Farmer’s Markets and other pedestrian-friendly areas around L.A. People are buying locally-produced, organic foods. And despite the threat of closing some state parks, volunteers are taking it upon themselves to maintain trails and parks.

But when did environmental awareness affect dating?

There are several trends developing in how people are dating, including where they go, what they eat, and how they get there. Some include walking or biking to a meeting place for a date, enjoying a locally-grown vegetarian meal together, or catching the bus to the closest Sunday morning flea market.

Perhaps you aren’t so picky about the eco-compatibility of a potential partner, but if you find yourself increasingly frustrated by dates that don’t care about their carbon footprints as much as you do, you are not alone. Niche online dating and social networking sites for environmentally conscious folks are on the rise. Here are just a few great resources for you to meet like-minded people:

L.A. Green Drinks – organization for anyone concerned about environmental issues to get together and discuss over drinks. These take place each week in different parts of L.A., including Westside, Pasadena, Hollywood, South Bay, Downtown and the Valley.

Green Singles – started 20 years ago and is now a great place for singles to meet online. They donate 5% of profits to environmental causes.

Green Passions – an online dating and social networking site for those with specific eco-friendly requirements, such as recycling, alternative energy, and organic farming.

Veggie Date offers a listing of meat-free singles, as well as recipes and vegetarian restaurant suggestions.

Planet Earth Singles – online dating site for all facets of earth-friendly daters, including environmentalists, activists, raw foodists, and animal rights advocates.

About the Author:
Kelly is a writer and former speed dating host living in Los Angeles. You can visit her blog “Notes from the Dating Trenches”, at www.kellyseal.com. You can also read her tweets @kellyseal.

©2010. This article was excerpted with permission from Kelly Seal at www.kellyseal.com.
Permission to reprint is granted by the author. All reprints must state, “Reprinted with permission by Kelly Seal from www.kellyseal.com. Originally published in www.WomensOnlineMagazineLosAngeles.com, April 2010.

Tips for having a special Valentine’s Day (for singles and couples!)

Whether you like to celebrate Valentine’s Day with candle-lit dinners and flowers, or hole up in your apartment and avoid anything resembling romance, this holiday presents an opportunity for us to think about our relationships (or lack thereof), and to try something new.

According to matchmaking expert Patti Stanger, no matter where you land on the relationship spectrum, Valentine’s Day provides opportunities for generating more love in your life. Perhaps you want to rekindle that spark in your long-term relationship, or maybe you are single and looking to meet someone new. Either way, Valentine’s Day might be the perfect day to focus on what you want to create, and to make it happen in your life.

Some of her tips include:

Take the lead. Romance goes both ways—be appreciative, romantic, and attentive. Loving actions go a long way in reigniting that initial chemistry you felt with your partner.

Do not put expectations on your guy to make the day romantic. Let him express his affections in his own way, even if he just buys you flowers. It’s more meaningful if it comes from him, not you.
If you are single, don’t sit around and bemoan the holiday. Grab some single friends and go out! If you meet a guy, you can rest assured he’s single too.
Valentine’s Day is not only a day for romantic love—give a gift to a co-worker or friend to let them know you care. When you extend love to others, it comes back to you.
Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be expensive—just be creative. Chocolate is an aphrodisiac, so remember to include this in some one-on-one time with your partner! Then grab some oil and give each other massages. You can spend a memorable night at home without breaking the bank.

Take care and happy Valentine’s Day!

DISCLAIMER: The information and opinions reflected in this article are solely those of the author and do not reflect on the publisher, editor, or editorial staff of Women’s Online Magazine Los Angeles. This article has been written and reviewed by the author. Any errors should be brought to the attention of the author.

How to survive the holidays when you’re single

We’re approaching that time of year again…turkey dinners, mistletoe, family gatherings, and parties. It’s the holiday season, but you would rather buy a ticket to the Caribbean and hide out until January than face a nosy aunt or co-worker bombarding you with questions about why you’re still single. So, how do you survive from Thanksgiving to New Years without losing your sanity or hope?

First, there is no better time to put things in perspective. The holidays are only a small part of a year, which probably held many good times as well as bad. The best defense against getting depressed is to adjust your own perspective on reality, and remember that things always change, including your relationship status. Following are some tips to help you get through the tough times now.

Assess your accomplishments. Dating is only a part of your life, which is also made up of work, career goals, hobbies, travel, friends, and so on. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, remind yourself of all of the things you’ve accomplished or experienced over the past year, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem to others. Write them down. Remind yourself that you are your own person, successful, interesting and accomplished with or without a significant other.
Treat yourself to some quality “alone” time. The holidays don’t have to be filled with social obligations and family time. Know your threshold and don’t be afraid to turn down an invitation to make some time for an activity that you enjoy doing. Make an appointment at the spa, go on a hike, or enjoy a nice book at a local coffeehouse. This will help put you in a good frame of mind when you do get together with family.
Avoid focusing on your love life. It’s easy to fall into the trap of explaining why you are still single when family members and friends are asking. Before you get carried away with your laundry list of reasons why there are no good single men or women left in the world, take a step back. Don’t feel the need to explain yourself; instead, start talking about your work or other areas of your life. Ask others questions about their lives. There is no reason to allow them to speculate on your personal life.
Go out with other single friends. You aren’t the only one worried about the upcoming holiday season. Chances are, you have at least one single friend or co-worker who is going through the same thing. Invite him or her out for a drink or dinner, preferably in the midst of the madness (like the day after Thanksgiving). Having a good laugh and talking with someone who understands your situation is the best relief for holiday stress.

©2009. This article was excerpted with permission from Kelly Seal at www.kellyseal.com.
Permission to reprint is granted by the author. All reprints must state, “Reprinted with permission by Kelly Seal from www.kellyseal.com. Originally published in www.WomensOnlineMagazineLosAngeles.com, November 2009.

Still weary of online dating? Sites offer promotions to gain new subscribers

If you are single and still haven’t tried online dating, you no longer have an excuse. And for those of you who are loyal to only one dating site, you have an opportunity to branch out and consider joining a few more. Dating web sites are offering some great discounts and contests to attract new members, so it’s time to take advantage.

OkCupid is running a contest through the end of November to determine who of their members has the best online dating profile. The best part? The sign up is free, and the prize is $250. If you haven’t visited this website, it’s definitely worth a look. It’s a bit quirkier than mainstream sites like Match.com and eHarmony—instead of a long Q&A process to determine your “type”, with OkCupid you can create and circulate questionnaires about…well, anything.

If you are into a more selective online dating process, you can check out Chemistry.com with a 14-day free trial. The Q&A process is a bit tedious, but if you can suffer through yet another question about your dating preferences this is an easy site to use.

One of my favorite references for getting the 411 on all of the dating sites, including the new ones that seem to be launching on a daily basis, is DatingSitesReviews.com. They list promotions being offered along with coupon codes you can enter to receive substantial discounts on memberships, which for some sites can be as high as $60 per month. Current promotions include Matchmaker’s “2 for 1″, where you get two months membership for one month’s price, and 20% off of a 6-month membership with eHarmony.

And for those of you who don’t have any cash to spare, there are dating web sites that don’t charge for your membership: OkCupid, PlentyofFish, and CasualKiss to name a few.

In these tough financial times, there are opportunities to network and put yourself out there without breaking the bank. So, stop procrastinating and give it a shot.

 About the Author: 
Kelly is a writer and former speed dating host living in Los Angeles. You can visit her blog “Notes from the Dating Trenches”, at www.kellyseal.com.

©2009. This article was excerpted with permission from Kelly Seal at www.kellyseal.com.
Permission to reprint is granted by the author. All reprints must state, “Reprinted with permission by Kelly Seal from www.kellyseal.com. Originally published in www.WomensOnlineMagazineLosAngeles.com, November 2009.

DISCLAIMER: The information and opinions reflected in this article are solely those of the author and do not reflect on the publisher, editor, or editorial staff of Women’s Online Magazine Los Angeles. This article has been written and reviewed by the author. Any errors should be brought to the attention of the author.

Five common online dating mistakes

The growing popularity of online dating seems to be both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, singles can expand their dating networks. But on the other, it can be a frustrating process when (despite the abundance of choices), dates are often disappointing.

First of all, don’t get discouraged. There are many hurdles to overcome when it comes to dating in general, and the hurdles multiply when you expand your dating pool. But so do the rewards. This is why you need to be both persistent and optimistic. Even when a guy that you had amazing phone chemistry with stood you up when you asked him to meet you for coffee. Take heart, there are ways to weed out potentially bad dates before you meet in person.

Following are five common mistakes people make when looking for matches online. Remember these and you’ll be less frustrated in the long run:

Giving up too quickly. You’ve been on one site for a month, emailed ten guys, phoned three, met two for coffee, and none of them worked out. So, you cancel your membership. Maybe they were not your type. Regardless, you haven’t given online dating a real chance. You have an opportunity to meet people from many different backgrounds and interests, which can make for some fun dates. You are only getting started!
Judging men based on photos. We’re all guilty of wanting a hot man, and when we see photos that don’t meet our expectations we are immediately turned off. Instead of making a decision to ignore him based only on his photo, see what he says in his profile to make a real determination. If he has qualities that attract you, he is worth an initial email.
Say goodbye to the winkers. You get excited when a cute guy gives you a nudge, or sends an email that reads, “Hey, what’s up?” Before you start swooning and checking your Inbox every five minutes, ask yourself how much time and effort he put into communicating with you. Chances are, you are one of dozens of girls, so it’s best to delete and move on, rather than sit and wait for another lame email to appear.
Watch out for the mass-mailers. These guys are like spammers. They craft a beautiful, generic email about how they find your profile so alluring, and send it to fifty other girls on the same site. I understand this tactic is a time-saver, but wouldn’t you rather someone take the time to read and respond to your profile, rather than just picking you quickly in a line-up?
Infrequent communicators. You’ve emailed back and forth and had a couple of great phone conversations. Then two weeks go by and you don’t hear from him. All of a sudden, you receive an apologetic email from him explaining that he was busy with work, but he doesn’t set any firm plans. My advice: move on. He is trying to juggle too many dates, and is using you as a back-up should things go awry with another. Life is too short to be waiting around for a phone call or email. Be proactive, and if it isn’t working, move on. What have you got to lose?

About the Author:
Kelly is a writer and former speed dating host living in Los Angeles. You can visit her blog “Notes from the Dating Trenches”, at www.kellyseal.com. You can also read her tweets at www.twitter.com/kellyseal.

Permission to reprint is granted by the author. All reprints must state, “Reprinted with permission by Kelly Seal from www.kellyseal.com. Originally published in www.WomensOnlineMagazineLosAngeles.com, October 2009.

How to find a good dating website

Thanks to the growing popularity of online dating, there are more opportunities than ever for singles to meet. New dating websites launch every month, and an increasing number of people are trying them out. Social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter have played a big part in erasing the stigma of online dating, and bring the concept to a more mainstream audience. For instance, you can connect with friends of friends on Thread.com using your existing Facebook account. Meeting people is easier than it has ever been.

Or is it? In the expanding world of Internet dating and with the increasing number of available choices, how do you know which site is right for you?

Whether you are new to online dating or have been around the virtual block a few times, just remember to keep an open mind when exploring options, and realize that you may have to try several sites out before settling for “the one”.

Depending on what you are looking for (say, jumping back into the dating pool after a divorce versus looking for a long-term relationship), there are different sites that accommodate different needs. Be clear about what you want. Don’t go through the process of answering hundreds of questions on sites like eHarmony.com (which caters to people seeking marriage) if you are just looking to casually date. PlentyofFish.com and OKCupid.com provide a fun, free and easy way to connect with other singles, and allow members to contact each other without so much pre-determined filtering.

There is a range of specialty dating sites if you are looking for like-minded people. Environmentally active singles can try sites like GreenSingles.com where they can meet other planet-friendly types. Pet lovers can be introduced through DateMyPet.com. And for those of you who would prefer to meet the guy or girl of your dreams without leaving your house, there are virtual dating sites like Omnidate.com, where you choose your own “avatar” (an online version of yourself) and have it go on the date for you.

For more adventurous and social types, newer sites like TribeOfSingles.com offer a mix of networking and online dating. You can meet for a hosted happy hour at a local bar and mingle with other singles who joined the same website. This allows you to meet several eligible candidates at once and potentially save yourself some time.

Regardless of your comfort level or personal requirements with online dating, there is a site that’s right for you. DatingSitesReviews.com offers an extensive list of websites, user feedback, and reviews to help you research your options, for example. The best thing to remember is to give the site (or sites) you choose a real chance. The more people you get to know, the more your dating network expands and the better your chances of finding someone special. The odds are in your favor.

About the Author: 

Kelly is a writer and former speed dating host living in Los Angeles. You can visit her blog “Notes from the Dating Trenches” at www.kellyseal.com.

© 2009. This article was excerpted with permission from Kelly Seal at http://www.kellyseal.com.. Permission to reprint is granted by the author. All reprints must state, “Reprinted with permission by Kelly Seal from www.kellyseal.com. Originally published in www.WomensOnlineMagazineLosAngeles.com, September 2009.

DISCLAIMER: The information and opinions reflected in this article are solely those of the author and do not reflect on the publisher, editor, or editorial staff of Women’s Online Magazine™ Los Angeles. This article has been written and reviewed by the author. Any errors should be brought to the attention of the author.

Is Dating a Four-Letter Word?

Those of us who are single know…dating can be a struggle. Dressing up and spending time on our hair and make-up all to make small talk with some virtual stranger is daunting to say the least. If we have been in the dating pool for a while, the whole process can be downright discouraging. We have come to expect that at best dating is boring, and at worst it is disappointing and predictable. Why not grab a drink with a girlfriend instead, or just stay home and watch CSI reruns with a package of Oreos?

But for all of you cynical girls out there, what would you say if I told you that it is possible to enjoy dating?

Before you hit me with your list of reasons why dating will always suck, consider this: stop thinking of every date as potential husband or boyfriend material. Stop listing all of the reasons why you may or may not find the guy attractive. You heard me, STOP. Dating isn’t always about finding your perfect partner from the first moment you lay eyes on him. Sometimes a date is just a date. And you do it to have fun and enjoy the company.

Think about what would make the date an enjoyable experience. How can you get to know the man across the table from you as you would a real friend? Here are some things to consider when going on your next date. Who knows, maybe he will surprise you!

1. Think outside the restaurant box. We all enjoy a nice meal and glass of wine, but these aren’t the only things to do on a first date. If you like being outdoors and want to get in some exercise, suggest rollerblading or going on a hike together. Even if the company doesn’t suit you, you will have fun doing an activity you enjoy.

2. Go someplace new. Although most of us would rather meet a first date at a familiar and comfortable place, go outside of your usual comfort zone. Maybe you’ve wanted to try some Ethiopian food or to check out the latest street fair. Now is the time!

3. Try listening to your date…you don’t have to carry the conversation. Silence can be uncomfortable, but instead of talking about your annoying co-worker or the latest trick you taught your dog just to fill a lull in the conversation, ask him questions. Find out what makes him unique.

4. Discover his passion. Everyone has a unique history. Everyone has interests. Stop asking the standard “what do you do for a living?” questions. Instead, ask him what he loves to do more than anything else, and see if he gets excited when he starts talking. Excitement is contagious. And fun.

About the Author:

Kelly Seal is a writer and former speed dating host living in Los Angeles. You can visit her blog “Notes from Dating Trenches”, at http://www.kellyseal.com/.

Permission to reprint is granted by the author. All reprints must state, “Reprinted with permission by Kelly Seal from http://www.kellyseal.com/. Originally published in www.WomensOnlineMagazineLosAngeles.com, September 2009.

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