Find love outside of your type: an interview with dating coach Andrea Syrtash

Dating coach Andrea Syrtash knows a few things about finding love.  In her new book He’s Just Not Your Type (And That’s a Good Thing), she aims to help women change their way of thinking when it comes to meeting Mr. Right. 

Syrtash maintains that when people date outside of their prescribed “types”, they open their hearts to much more opportunity and find love in unexpected ways.  I asked her about breaking old habits, taking risks, and marrying her own “non-type”.  

1. So, what exactly is a “non-type”?  Is this a form of settling?

 A nontype is a person you fall for who is nothing like the kind of person you thought you’d want to marry! If your type is usually an extrovert, your nontype is an introvert. If you swore you’d never date a guy long-distance, your nontype is the one who lives outside your state. Basically, an NT looks different from your past boyfriends….and in my opinion, this is why it works!

By no means am I encouraging women to settle. In fact, I dedicated my book to women who should never feel they have to settle in order to settle down. I actually think we’re settling when we simply follow a straight superficial checklist and don’t demand a deeper connection. I don’t think any of us should pair off with someone who isn’t a good lover, partner, companion and friend. Single women deserve to be supported, cherished and excited to be with the person they choose as a partner. Don’t settle for less!

2. You maintain that a lot of women don’t date “consciously”.  Describe what you mean.

I think that in dating, and in life for that matter, many of us get into patterns and do things because we always do them. Chances are that friendships, jobs and other aspects of our lives have transformed and evolved since high school and college – but for some reason, many women are still hanging on to the ‘type’ of guy they described eons ago.

My wish is that singles don’t end up victimized by their dating choices (i.e – “I always date cheaters”). Sometimes we forget that we have a choice and once we’re more conscious of our needs and wants, we can make better decisions. In the book, I offer some exercises for the reader to bring consciousness around what – and who – she is looking for.

3. I thought it was interesting when you mentioned how many women evolve in their careers and interests as they grow older, but their preferences in men stay the same.  What can women do to make their choices in men evolve along with them?

I’ve devised some checklists in the book to help bring clarity around who their ‘type’ is today. For instance, I included an exercise on identifying core values since I think sharing values is the basis for a good match. Our values can also evolve over time.

I also ask the reader write out 5 ‘must haves’ and 5 ‘can’t stands’. I’ve limited the list of qualities to five on each side, so none of us walk around with a huge laundry list of dealbreakers (if we do, we’re not well positioned for success!). When you’re making the list, know the difference between wants/needs and preferences. I confine the list to only a few qualities so you can get laser-focused on the kind of person that you want in your life at this point in time. If you filled out the chart 10 years ago, you may have said ‘I must have a guy who can dance’ and now you may replace it with something more substantial like “I must have a guy who has good family values’. Know what you are looking for!

Finally, I’ve edited the expression from ‘It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” to “It’s better to have loved and *learned than to never have loved at all”. What’s the point of experiencing heartbreak if you don’t walk away with lessons and decide who you want to be with and how you want to be in a future relationship?

4. Towards the end of the book, you talk about the risk-taking and how important it is to living a happy life as well as meeting your significant other.  Dating entails a lot of rejection, which makes us averse to risk-taking.  What steps would you advise in taking more risks in our dating lives?

One of my favorite quotes about taking risks is “Our lives improve only when we take chances – and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves” (Walter Anderson)

You are not living to your best potential if you play small and don’t let anybody see you for fear of rejection. Rejection is a normal part of dating. In fact, expect to be rejected and to do some rejecting. Every date will be ‘unsuccessful’ before you meet the person you want to marry so you’re not supposed to hit it off with everyone.

One of my mantras about taking risks is “I’m scared AND I’ll do it any way”. 

Andrea will be in L.A. this Thursday May 13th at Book Soup in Hollywood.  

 About the Author:
Kelly is a writer and former speed dating host living in Los Angeles.  You can visit her blog “Notes from the Dating Trenches”, at www.kellyseal.com.  You can also read her tweets at www.twitter.com/kellyseal.      

©2010. This article was excerpted with permission from Kelly Seal at www.kellyseal.com.

Permission to reprint is granted by the author. All reprints must state, “Reprinted with permission by Kelly Seal from www.kellyseal.com. Originally published in www.WomensOnlineMagazineLosAngeles.com, May 2010.

DISCLAIMER: The information and opinions reflected in this article are solely those of the author and do not reflect on the publisher, editor, or editorial staff of Women’s Online Magazine. This article has been written and reviewed by the author. Any errors should be brought to the attention of the author.

(No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...

Add a comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.