Are you the ugly duckling in your marriage?

There is probably no lonelier place than to find yourself an outsider in your own family.  Look at the Ugly Duckling, did he not, with his feathers all stubby and brown, feel like an outsider in his family? Moreover was he not chased away by prejudice and lack of understanding of difference?

Let’s look therefore at what might be happening to make you feel that you too are in the loneliest place imaginable – miserable when the rest of your family are happy – or at least appear to be.  How could it be that you aren’t like them?

What if you were once somebody who you no longer are?  What if what once upon a time satisfied you, made you happy and allowed you to feel supported and loved was no longer there, or if you yourself had changed to find that you wanted something different.

It’s very common when we start to recognise things which are no longer serving us well or even have started to irritate and annoy us, for us to shut ourselves off a bit.  You’ll recognise yourself if you do these things:

·         Stop making comments

·         Stop laughing

·         Start grimacing

·         Avoid answering questions directly

·         Find reasons not to join in

·         Don’t speak your mind

·         Daydream of where you’d rather be

·         Stop intimacy

What happens when you withdraw is that you put barriers up around you which keep you safe.  These barriers lock the real you behind a brick wall, with broken glass and barbed wire on top to deter any invaders.  You know that if you were to speak your mind that there would either be an almighty fallout or things would have to change.  You would have to own up for being you.

What is it that stops us from saying it like it is?  There are usually various factors at play, some may include the following:

·         Fear of change

·         Wanting to retain the status quo and not upset the family

·         Lack of belief that you can even be thinking like this

·         Anxiety about not being liked by others

·         Not being good at confrontation and standing up for yourself

The Ugly Duckling was banished not only by his family but by the town he lived in too.  He was a rank outsider.  Families and communities can be harsh if you buck the trend.  If it’s alright for them, it should be alright for you too.  Someone breaking ranks can mean that they might also have to look at their reasons for staying within the accepted norms.

If the Ugly Duckling had been allowed to stay within the duck community, he would still have grown into a beautiful swan.  It makes little difference if you are banished, or if you choose to leave.  You will grow into who and what you really are without constriction, without judgement, without trying to be who you aren’t. 

And he went with a quack and a waddle and a quack
And a very unhappy tear
All through the wintertime he hid himself away
Ashamed to show his face, afraid of what others might say
All through the winter in his lonely clump of wheat
Till a flock of swans spied him there and very soon agreed
You’re a very fine swan indeed!

You too may find that there are some challenges to overcome, sadness to let rip and time to allow the hurt to heal before you find the people who will welcome you into their lives – just because you are you, complete with your differences. 

Me a swan - Ah go on!

Jackie Walker - Founder of The Divorce Coach www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk  and co-founder of Breakup Angels http://www.breakupangels.com

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